Something I learned in the past 6 months to a year is how important it is to know and share what is wrong. I have had a really hard time since I became a mother. I was a worry wart before I had kids, but having children has amplified that beyond what I could handle. After much counseling and now brain-regulating medicine I know am able to make sense of what my struggle is and what I can do to make it better. Before I tried to control every situation, but was unable to have the boundaries I needed and would worry myself sick and make my family crazy.
So let me start by telling you WHAT my struggle is… I am fearfully and anxiously afraid of people throwing up. So, the idea of my kids not being able to tell me if they are going to be sick, ensures so much worry and panic in me. Now that Aimlee is so verbal I am starting to feel more at ease with her, however I still have Evan and this is something that I worry about daily, hourly and even each minute. SO, my fear is that they will catch a tummy bug- period. Honestly writing, talking and even thinking about it about makes me anxious- my stomach hurts, I have trouble breathing and my body hurts and feels numb at the same time.
I can handle colds, injuries, surgery… anything…. except throwing up. It’s not just the cleaning up, but mostly the germs that go with it- in other words, fear that everyone in the family will get it. Surprisingly, I am not as fearful of myself throwing up, more just, if I am sick that I will spread germs to the kids or who will take care of them. Many of you may be thinking- duh Jason is there to help you. Nope, I don’t want him to help more then he HAS to. You see, I don’t want him to get sick either.
So the season is officially here, cold and flu season. I can deal with the colds and even the flu if it is the “cold” kind- just NO tummy bugs. Now that I am able to express what is wrong, I am able to make decisions to help me and my family. Part of this is setting boundaries, especially during the cold and flu season for where my kids go and what we do. So please try to understand that you invite us somewhere and we don’t go, we may be busy or this may be my way of “protecting” my family. Please know that we are so thankful for your friendship and love your family, but we just chose to not go this time. If we do go, please do not feel offended if we wash hands several times. This helps me feel “better” about uncomfortable situations. Most of the time when we are with kids, I worry about sickness the whole time- I feel like I don’t get to have fun anyway…
I know I may seem crazy, but can’t help it. This is me being honest. But to be fair the first tummy bug Evan ever got, landed him in the hospital in the hospital for almost a week (with what the doctor’s assumed was a bacterial infection, but could never say for sure). The first time Aimlee got sick, she got the Rotavirus. It was the most horrible week in my life (and hers too). Even before my kids got sick, I use to worry about Jason getting a tummy bug and was a basket case when he did. I can’t help the way that I feel about this, if I could… I would. Sometimes I wonder why God had me be a mother, as this is a serious struggle for me and makes me question all of my motherly decisions.
You may feel sorry for my kids, because we don’t go to public play grounds or other fun kids places very often, but trust me- we have lots of fun. “Clean fun”- Ha ha! Some of you who know me really well, know that I have made a lot of progress and we did a LOT of fun things this summer. Aimlee was in dance, swim and gymnastics. We went a couple carnivals and play dates. Jason is having trouble understanding why I am not as “care-free” in the winter months. I suppose this is just due to the higher chance of getting sick and everyone is all cooped up inside.
I am already crazy paranoid, which is the reason for this post. I am hoping that my wonderful , fellow mommy friends will understand this is just who I am, and that I am so thankful for your friendship. I am always up for adult coffee outings J For my family, I know you may think I am crazy, but thank you for those of you who support my feelings and paranoia. I can ALWAYS count on my mom for her help. I am hopeful that this will get better when the kids are older and can tell me how they are feeling. Until then, I take each day and try to not put us in more situations then is needed to cause worry.
Thank you to those who are understanding!