Today is one of those days I just need to vent. I feel so grumpy and I blame it on the cloud cover outside! Where is my sunshine?
Anyway- today I am really feeling down because I feel like I sometimes hate being responsible. I feel like I am nothing but responsible- for the last 10 years anyway. Welcome to adulthood right? But should we be so responsible that we lose our identity and not have any fun?
I am the only one who has been nothing but a mom since my kids were born? It IS who I am, but is it ALL that I am? I am a wife and a mom, but who am I actually? I have just recently started going out and spending time by myself and relaxing and doing what I actually want to do. But why is it that I want to be irresponsible when I am away from my everyday life? I want to spend money and get a cocktail or two… you know, stuff that is not the best, but it sure does make me happy. I just want to me without complication. I have been so thankful for the break that my husband has given me almost weekly. I try really hard to make sure he gets his fun time- most recently he has spent it motorcycle riding. I love to see him happy. I just and to be happy too.
I wish being responsible was more fun! I guess a lot of the problems in this world would not exist if it was. For me, it is always the fear of consequence that has kept me responsible (you know, what would happen if spent too much money, or drink and drive). I am just tired of consequence. I wish I was young and dumb again and only cared for myself sometimes. Ha! Not really, but I do miss my own identity and feeling independent and not having to answer to the whole world about every move I make and why I do it. There is something so appealing about being an adult when we are younger, until we have families and houses and bills. I admire people who can feel happy in their own responsible situations.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and enjoy almost every day with them; I just wished I could have my own life 1 day out of the week where everyone else is not my main focus. People often say I struggle with this because I set such high expectations for my life, like the way I parent and the goals I set for myself. I have started to become more laid back, so that is really helping. Maybe that is why I can recognize my own feelings and wants now.
Basically, I just have started remembering who I am and what makes me happy as a person, not just as a wife and a mother. I just feeling like an individual- I just wish it didn’t have to come at a price. Ok, that is enough venting today. Now it is time to put on a good song!